I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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