Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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