i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
True strength comes from lack of pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
