No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
