It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
