I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
