I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
