Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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