I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
