no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I cannot find my penis.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
