i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
