If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
