Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
