i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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