Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
