You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
