I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Your cock deserves a montage
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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