Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
