Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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