The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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