Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
