I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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