did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
