if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
