I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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