it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
