look no pants
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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