I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
