i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
