There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
