youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
