I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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