now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
