Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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