She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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