You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
