How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
