Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
