evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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