Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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