I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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