Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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