When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Vodka?
Forever.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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