I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
