Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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