Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
