Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
