Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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