I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
