The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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