I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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