You made me cry and you don't even care
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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