I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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