I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
