Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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