I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
