Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
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I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Drake has all the answers
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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