Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
