Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
