Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
