woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
